Merry Christmas to All

I remember the first year that the most important thing at Christmastime became my friends rather than my gifts. I was a freshman in high school and I was making some really amazing friends. The best friends I'd ever had. And because I went to a boarding school many of my friends would be leaving for Christmas.

For the first time I felt myself wishing people were here for Christmas rather than wishing for some material object. First and foremost I wished for their happiness but I also wished that I could spend Christmas with all of my friends. That felt like the ultimate dream, to have every person I loved in one place. Until that year that list was pretty much strictly family. But since then that list has expanded to include so many friends that are now like family.

The wish manifests itself every year. As thrilled as I am to be with family, I'm always wishing that I could celebrate with my friends as well. My friends are like family; there is very little distinction between who is biological family and who has manifested as family.

This year is no exception as I am even further away from many friends this year. There are many who are close but still far away and I must exercise patience in waiting to see them. And I left behind some really special people and although I miss them, it's good to know that they have each other and some great memories to look forward to while I am thrilled to bits to finally be seeing some family in a couple of days.

Friends in New Haven, Concord, Sonoma, Monterey, and everywhere else, in my mind we are having the ultimate Christmas celebration together. Some of you I will be reuniting with VERY soon, others will have to wait until I am back in New Haven (oh I will be back. With presents). A million thanks for being there through this crazy and transitional period in my life. You are the ultimate Christmas gift.

How Quickly it Passes But How Lucky We are to Be on the Journey

My semester officially ends this Saturday, upon which I will be heading to the airport and flying home to my beautiful home in California to see people I have thought of and missed every day since leaving. It's fairly stereotypical to say that time flies when you are living in a bubble and that statement is entirely accurate of my experience.
The semester felt an eternity long at the same time it felt as if it were passing in the blink of an eye. Today the first year class gathered in the Iseman Theatre, the same place we gathered on our first day of orientation, and we had significant flashbacks to those first tentative, unsure days. Though this time around we looked a little worse for wear but also more comfortable with ourselves and with each other.
Looking back, I'm amazed at how much has happened. I moved across the country. I started a new school for the final time. I worked at Yale Rep, stage managed a challenging cabaret production, and was an ASM for my first show at YSD. One that is huge, complicated, and ultimately one of the most rewarding experiences of my career.

I struggled significantly in the beginning. I was desperate to do everything right and not entirely willing to allow myself to learn. I wasn't sure if my style would translate well and encountered a few personal roadblocks along the way. So much of our jobs depend on our personalities and demeanors and I was challenged more than once in that area. I spent a lot of time second guessing myself and wondering if I actually could do this job I was so passionate about.

Ultimately it comes down to the fact that we are here for a reason. We were accepted to this school because our department heads saw potential and growth in each of us. Questioning ourselves is part of the process but not to the extent that we lose faith in our abilities. It took me almost the entire rehearsal process to accept that and to some extent I am still learning to accept it. The show turned out beautifully and I couldn't be prouder of this company I worked with. I truly loved watching the design and production teams and the cast put together this show. The fact that I was part of it was enough. That I helped realize their vision onstage was even better.

Academics were a struggle in and of themselves. The work was manageable; finding time to do it was the challenge. I still had that "good student must-get-everything-done-well" mentality and although I'm glad I haven't lost that, it made getting work done much harder because I wasn't willing to accept that anything was less than the best work I could put forth. That's when I re-learned one of my favorite teachings: there is a difference between being the best and being your best. Some weeks my best was definitely less than I could have hoped for but at the time, my priorities had shifted. The most immediate needs had to come first. Balancing a production and academic life is one of the biggest challenges any YSD (or any graduate student, under different circumstances) student faces. I was getting about 4 hours of sleep and I had think consciously about how necessary that was and what absolutely needed to be accomplished. I can say that I survived and even thrived during that period of time but it was a definite adjustment for me.

I've met some of the best, most exciting, and most endearing people here. And I'm just getting started. One of my biggest fears was leaving behind some extremely close friends, the best I'd ever had. I figured you only got that lucky once in your life and it could never be replicated. And while those friends can never be replaced and are still a significant part of my life, it's nice to know I have come to know some truly wonderful people here as well. Both of my lives are rich with people I adore and love spending time with. And I didn't know if that would happen again or happen in a timely manner.

At the end of the day, I'm significantly blessed and humbled by the past 4 months. I've grown as a person and as a theatre artist. I still love the work I am doing and look forward to the challenges ahead. I've gotten through personal and professional challenges without completely losing who I was. And I'm extraordinarily lucky. If I can go home at the end of the day and be thankful for the work I'm doing, the profession I'm learning, and the friends I've made, then that's all that really matters. I don't know how well I would have fared this semester without the support of family back home, the best friends in California, and the new friends who accept me with all of my peculiarities and special qualities. To have met people who see me for who I am and love me through it all is a blessing in itself.

Run Sheets, Giving Thanks, and Christmas

I spent the past 8 hours working on my run sheets for Sunday in the Park and I am pleased to say that they are now in much better shape than they were before! First pass of this edition, 23 pages long. I'm guessing they will get to be about 25/26 depending on how much changes. I'm a nerd about paperwork and was never truly satisfied with the way my run sheets have looked in the past so I love how comprehensive mine are now. Still have a long ways to go as everything will change once we get to tech but at least they're off to a good start!

Thanksgiving was wonderful. I had convinced myself that I was going to ignore this holiday in hopes of masking any ounce of sadness I was feeling but it turned out to be an incredible day. I would like to sincerely thank Helen and James for hosting an amazing day. Spent time with friends, met some new ones, and played with a puppy. Skyped with my family which included a skype session during our annual Battle of the Sexes board game and it felt like I was at home again :)

Christmas is in full swing in my apartment. Which basically means I watch and listen to anything and everything relating to Christmas. The second I got home last night I blasted "Why Couldn't It Be Christmas Everyday" and have already watched Eloise at Christmastime, The Ultimate Christmas Present, and Love Actually.
I love Christmas.

Center Stage

One of the most memorable scenes in the movie Center Stage is the first day of residence at the American Ballet Theatre and the directors are addressing the new students. They ask who was the best at their previous dance studio and most raise their hands. They then talk extensively about how that was about to change and the cocky looks on the students faces begin to fade away.

Grad school is a very similar experience. You were either very good or you were the best at your previous post, whether undergrad or a professional job. You wouldn't have applied to graduate school if you didn't think you had any skills and you definitely wouldn't have gotten accepted if you didn't have tremendous skill and potential.

It's easy to forget that the potential is what we should focus on. We aren't here because we are already the best, we are here to become better. And sometimes that makes for really frustrating scenarios. You often feel like you are failing because of the impossible standards you have set for yourself and forget to see the bigger picture. You're in grad school to learn, to get better. If you were doing this work outside of graduate school at a small company, it would probably seem brilliant. But that's not the point of graduate school. The point is to identify your weaknesses, build on your strengths, learn from others, and keep working towards a goal. Letting go of that impossible standard and allowing yourself to accept your growth as being important as being the best at something is the key. And that's a hard thing to do. I am constantly struggling with it.

There are some key quotes that I focus on when I forget why I got into graduate school in the first place and question every bit of my ability. Which sometimes is a daily occurrence.

"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game"

"Don't get upset over oversights, get upset over laziness"

"God grant me the strength to accept that which I cannot change, the courage to change that which I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"

"There's a difference between being the best and being your best"

"Before you go changing everything about yourself, you got yourself this far and you're doing just fine"



This might be the hardest thing you ever do but it will be one of the most rewarding. And there's a reason we're here. We're here to learn, to grow, to fail, to succeed, to feel vulnerable, to feel protected, to support, to feel support, to laugh, to enjoy and to become the embodiment of our art form. We literally live our art. And not everyone is lucky enough to get to follow their dreams like that.

Grad School: Giving and Taking Life, One Day at a Time

Before you do anything monumental, people will usually give you some perspective to prepare you ahead of time. When it comes to graduate schools you are generally told how difficult but how rewarding it is. And I don't think that concept really sinks in until you get here.

To recap, I am now officially in the swing of Sunday in the Park with George rehearsals.

This is the hardest and the best thing I've ever done. When you're literally working on something from 9:00 am until 10:00/11:00/12:00 at night and then trying to find time to do homework, it's hard. When you're trying to do everything right but you are still learning and need to allow yourself the chance to do that, it's hard. When you are used to doing something a certain way and you're taking some risks to try something new, it's hard.

This has been two weeks of challenges. I've moved beyond the newness of living in Connecticut (and I experienced my first snow! Like 8 inches worth) and even the unfamiliarity of YSD in general but now that I am officially beginning my training as a YSD stage manager, I am presented with a whole new list of challenges. It's a constant fluctuating scale of playing catch up, feeling settled, and trying to anticipate what's coming next. There have been a few difficult days where I couldn't even pinpoint why I was feeling so down but those have eased themselves into a more normal routine. We are about to begin day 5 of rehearsal and I'm feeling better and more confident about my style and what I'm learning. Every day is a learning experience. I take my negative experiences from the previous day and turn them into a more positive and beneficial for the next day. The good thing is that I generally don't make the same mistake twice--and if I do, then I solve it with a post it. That's one thing I've learned--I thought I loved post it notes and flags before this show but my love for them now is unprecedented. They solve so many problems!

But on the other hand, no matter how difficult some moments can get, I actually can tell that I've grown up in the past year. I don't let the mistakes bother me; I take them as they are, learn, and move on. And the next day always gets better because as I fall into a routine, I am more comfortable and confident with our process.

I also experienced something very special with this cast. On the first day of staging I subbed for an actor who was out of the room. The director was playing around with a concept for the prologue and gave us a little direction and then wanted to see what would happen. I followed the general atmosphere and moves of the company, a little unsure of what I was doing since I like very clear directions especially when out of my comfort zone. We were crossing in space and I noticed the company pausing so I followed suit. When I turned to glance around the space, I felt this incredible energy and connection amongst us. Now I've had my fair share of beautiful rehearsals and witnessed incredible connections onstage but I've never experienced one so natural myself. It was a special moment and I'm glad that I was onstage for that moment.

Curtain Call Life

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xU2-a97iqzE&feature=relmfu
"Newsies Opening Night Curtain Call"



This video is an accurate representation of why I do what I do.

Theatre is as much about planning ahead as it is living in the moment. You spend weeks, months, even years planning out everything from what the set looks like down the side from which every actor will enter. But when it comes down to it, it's all about doing what you love in the moment. You take the energy from yourselves, the company, and the audience and you make something brilliant happen onstage. And at the end you get to stand before them and thank them for making your experience as a theatre artist worth it. They come to see you perform your life's work and as much as they thank you for your talent, you are thanking them for loving your work enough to come out, sit in those seats for 2 hours, and be present in the moment with you.
And that's my favorite moment. Presenting our work to people who truly value and appreciate what we do for a living enough to be there with us. I can't compare the feeling I get watching my cast take their bows very night. You work so hard on something and you can just hope and pray that the audience will see what you did every night in rehearsal. And when they do...you become the proudest person in the world.

“Let your heart guide you...it whispers so listen closely.” ― Walt Disney

Theatre is an unpredictable life. You follow the work. And your life is the work. There is virtually no distinction between your professional and your personal life. You pour your heart and soul into it, get ripped to shreds, endure some painful moments and trying times for those few moments of absolute bliss. And that's what you live for. Those moments? They're worth it. They are why you give up your social life, your relationships, your family...all of that is put off until the moment when theatre tells you it's okay to let go.

Part of me loves the excitement, the thrill, the endless possibility. I am giddy with excitement when companies post their next season of shows, questioning whether I could possible fit a show into my already busy schedule. I love beginning a new project. I love the moments of chaos when I feel completely in control at the exact same time. I love the rush of opening night. I love standing ovations. I love that my work could take me anywhere, that my future is limitless at this point. That's the joy of being a 20-something--you have so much to learn, so much potential to fulfill, so many opportunities to seize

And then the rational side of me fears for my future. I've already settled into some pretty solid habits and routines. I'm only 22 and I've already developed a crazy work schedule, aversion to social life, and some god awful eating and sleeping habits. Yet I justify them because I am "successful". Healthy right? But I'm also fiercely devoted to my family and friends. My number one priority to be able to be there for them when they need a laugh, a hug, or an encouraging word. And as we grow older, special moments will come up more frequently. No longer will we just need to hang out and talk, we will be planning weddings, lifestyles, and families. And I want to be there for all of that with them. Part of me wishes I could see the future so I could put all of these monumental events on my permanent conflicts calendar, knowing I can't be doing a show at that time so that I can fulfill my other duties--nothing is greater than the gift of being a friend.

I often say that theatre and life do not get along. And what I mean by this is that life happens whether we plan for it or not. People die, people get sick, people have crises...that's all part of life. Theatre schedules are not very accommodating of this. Regardless of what personal crisis you are dealing with, you must still show up to your 6:00 call ready to go whether you want to or not. It's not like a regular job where you can take a week off and someone will cover for you. You play a significant role, no matter how big or small you think your part may be.

It's ironic that I say theatre and life don't get along because theatre is life. Theatre reflects our deepest desires and our most painful thoughts. It constantly throws all of that emotion, angst, and joy around to hopefully inflect some sort of reaction. That pain we're feeling? You can find it in a Broadway show

And then I think back on the moments when I was happiest. On those unpredictable moments when everything in the world just came together.

And I remember why I do what I do.

Love

You know you love your job when you run around like a chicken with your head cut off for most of the afternoon to secure an element for that evening, rehearse until 1:00 am, walk home in the rain at 2:00 am, and are still awake an hour later sending emails and making lists for the next day...and you are completely exhilarated and in love with the work. I feel more at home than I have felt in a long time.

Adventures Begin

It has been officially over two months since I have stage managed anything (longer if you count being an SM over an ASM...even longer if you discount my summer stage experience though that actually challenged me as an SM more than most shows have. You try wrangling 30 kids, double casting, multiple absences, bee stings, and acting as a stand-in production manager at the same time. I could go on but that would be a separate post in itself)

But that statement is no longer true as tonight Cowboy Mouth at the Yale Cabaret is in technical rehearsals. This cast is brilliant, the design team is amazing, the directors and producer are wonderful...I got really lucky. It's an eclectic, organic show and it's a little incredible how much they were able to do with only one week of real rehearsals. I'm awfully proud of them already.

It's also been a good way to ease myself back into stage management. I wouldn't exactly say that I'm rusty as so much of my job is innate but it does take practice getting back into regular habits and refamiliarizing myself with what I do with a show. Little easier knowing that all eyes aren't necessarily on me either so that when I'm doing this "for real" on Sunday in the Park with George as an ASM and later for Romeo and Juliet as an SM, my habits are already built back into my system.

These people are amazing. I'm reminded on a daily basis that I get to go to school with some of the most talented, creative, ambitious people in the theatre world today and who will continue to be that vivacious once they leave YSD. It's a little awe inspiring. And definitely something worth counting my blessings for.

Whatever you believe with feeling becomes your reality

Most people know that when I am asked to describe myself, I will use the word "sensitive", both in a complimentary and degrading sense. On the surface this just means that I am sensitive on the emotional level. Which is true but that is only one facet of what this definition means to me and what it means to me as a stage manager.

I'm classified as a "Highly Sensitive Person" which is not a random string of words I've thrown together but an actual trait. To put it simply, my nervous system decides to work overboard when taking in information. It does not mean that I break down when something bad happens or cry at the drop of a hat; it just means I experience things at a different level.

It means I'm hyper aware of anything going on in a room. That loud or sudden noises bother me more than they would the average person. That things have to feel right or I don't feel comfortable. That I try to placate everything and make things better. That I'm overstimulated in large crowded environments and much prefer one-on-one conversation. That I notice things other people would cast off as trivial information. That I have empathy for people on a whole different level.

At times it's frustrating because it takes me longer to feel comfortable in a situation and I will often come across as uptight or a buzzkill when I choose to go home at the end of a night instead of going out with my friends. I will sometimes overthink a situation that I know will be unfamiliar and build up my anxiety even more. My day can turn sour very fast if I am startled by something more than once.

But it also means I relate to people in a special way. I carefully plan "adventures" with people so that everyone will feel most comfortable and enjoyable. I truly enjoy sitting down and getting to know someone. I will go out of my way to ask if someone is okay because I've noticed they look uncommonly sad, stressed, or busy.

So what does this mean to me as a stage manager? It has its negative and its positive side. The negative side includes having trouble staying focused during long rehearsals because I crave a few minutes respite. That I'm very hard on myself if something isn't perfect. That I spend too much time wondering how others are perceiving me because critical observation of everything is how I absorb the world. That I have to brace myself if we have loud, startling, or sudden lighting and sound effects in a show. That I have to trust my abilities more when entering a new rehearsal because I'm already feeling anxious and uncomfortable.

But there are positives. I form a special bond with actors if they are having a hard day. I do well in situations when I have to act instantly rather than thinking about it ahead of time so there is literally no time to worry. I take special care to make sure everything is organized and ready and that my thoughts are organized as well so that I can express myself clearly. That I take extra efforts to make sure my stage manager or ASM feels supported and that I am there if they need anything. That I am very perceptive and sometimes get a "feeling" about something and know that it's right.

Overall it doesn't necessarily impede my stage management or my life. It just means I have to spend extra time figuring out how best to handle a situation without letting it affect my production or something important in my life. There's no easy solution to it but it does constantly challenge me. Which is good because I enjoy a challenge.

And if you're really curious as to what this really means, here's an excellent article describing what it means to be a Highly Sensitive Person
http://www.mothering.com/community/a/parenting-a-sensitive-child

New Projects and Nostalgia

I am officially full immersed in the world that is Cabaret 5-Cowboy Mouth. I've never done a project quite like this before and I love everyone that I am working with. This is a really great design team, directors, and actors. We go into tech on Sunday and open on Thursday.

Because I am officially immersed, it also means I survived midterms! Two projects and a drama history midterm later, I can say that I am fully relieved that everything went as well as could be expected. There were some late nights and some stressful nights but I'm so glad that they are behind me. The next challenge will be handling finals during tech in December but that's far enough away that it's not even worse thinking about right now.

Recently I have been amazed at how much music can pull you back to a specific place or time. It's something I've always known about myself so it didn't really come as a surprise but it's incredible the power (good and bad) that certain music will have.
Whenever the musical Chess or Seussical come on my itunes, I am instantly drawn back to that place in my life. Those shows bring me back to a time that is forever ingrained as one of the happiest times I've ever experienced. Everything felt new, fresh, and exhilarating. I was working with some truly amazing people. And I was loving my job.

Chess was new. Chess brought me new friends, new experiences, new stage management challenges. New school challenges. Taught me to balance my schedule, how to drive during rush hour traffic, how to grab dinner in the half hour between classes and leaving for rehearsal, how to step out of my comfort zone and step up my game. How to integrate myself into something new. How to fall in love with my job again.

Seussical was a two week crash course in "let's put on a show!". 20 kids. A director, an assistant director, a costumer, a sound designer, and myself. 3 hours of after school rehearsal. A set that had to work around another set (literally covering theirs with a backdrop and enlisting their crew to move some things around that we were front of the drop). And complete enthusiasm for what we were doing. I was amazed by how quickly these kids absorbed the material and their blocking--proof that kids will rise to the challenge if you give them the chance. We had a hurried tech process and early morning (read: we had to be there by 9:00 for the kids 10:00 call) performances. And I was so proud of the kids and the production that was pulled together. Anyone who knows me knows that I will cry during curtain call, without fail, on opening night but this was even more than the typical "we did it!" feeling.

The powerful nostalgia associated with those shows is twofold. While I enjoy the joyful feelings that came whenever I hear those songs, they are usually accompanied by a profound sense of longing. It is unfortunate that memories of something so wonderful also bring sadness simply because they cannot be replicated. It's a natural part of theatre. Shows will always come to a close and you must move on. And some will capture your heart in special ways, while others you want to run from. It's a learning curve and one that I'm still learning to master. But I will still smile every time I hear those songs because the good memories will always mean more than the wistful feeling of "remember when". I can't go back but I can move forward knowing that those experiences will be a special part of my theatre history.

And On to New Adventures

That was certainly one of the best closing nights I've experienced. Before the show, we gathered for a crew photo which involved each of us posing with our favorite prop, costume, or set piece which really ingrained in my mind how much we bond with the individual parts of a show. The guns for Kate, the wig for Molly, the swing for me. Although the show will be distant memory as we charge forward into our next projects, we will always think of those props as "ours", though we never went on stage with them.
It was really special at the close of the show as the crew scrunched into one small corner backstage left (because really, there was no room back there) to watch the monitors as the cast completed the final dance number. We said goodbye to the show in our own way but we were together.

I will miss pre show, eagerly waiting backstage to start the show. Headset roll call that always promised a witty statement by someone. The anxious energy waiting for a cue light to go off. Moving the Lydia platform which was extremely squeakly and always happened to be moved while they were in a particularly quiet moment onstage. Scrolling the Fanta machine--that was my special prop and it was a pain most of the time but it was mine. The hurried change into Lewis and Clark involving moving the platform quickly and lining it up perfectly, while a ladder was flown in and had to fit through a window at an angle. Still not sure how that one worked every night. The thrill (stage management nerd in me) of opening and closing the doors perfectly. My camera hand off onstage which I initially hated and then came to enjoy. Watching them fly in Lydia every night. And of course, just the general bonding with this crew. All of them became very special to me and I am infinitely glad that I am either in classes with them or they're in my department and really can't get rid of me until graduation.

Last night I got home at 10:30 (quickest strike ever. So glad I don't have to participate in the full strike), after resisting the urge to join the rest of the company for an enjoyable evening and proceeded to stay up until 4:30 am to finish a project so that my life this week won't be entirely awful. I have a huge drama history midterm on Thursday and history is definitely a weak subject of mine so I decided that finishing my project for another class (due to the day before my midterm. I was not smart in scheduling that) would make my week easier. I still have another project to be completed with a group plus rehearsals for the Cabaret and budget meetings for Sunday in the Park with George but getting this project out of the way will allow me to focus on the other tasks.

Speaking of Sunday--I am so excited to be part of Sunday in the Park with George. My stage manager is wonderful and this production sounds like it is exactly what I need to begin my SM journey here at Yale. Even being part of the budget meetings is exciting so far. Though it will be challenge, I'm up for it and I can't wait to see where this project takes us!

And So It Goes

The time has come for yet another show to close. I've done this enough in my life that I've developed a sort of ritual when this happens. Every show I've done has meant something to me and this is no exception. Traditionally I say goodbye to a show the night before it closes because that's when I feel most connected to the experience itself and allow myself to remember what I love about it before I have to truly let it go.

The last show I closed, to be perfectly honest, was less than ideal. My final show happened to be the final show of the company as well, though the actors didn't know it at the time. Between preparing to leave some of the best friends I've ever had, preparing to move across the country, and knowing that my theatre company wouldn't be there when I got back was pretty overwhelming for someone like me. Closing that show meant closing a chapter in my life and I wasn't entirely sure I was ready to do that. I'd been preparing myself for that event for months. I knew when I started my internship and then my job that eventually I would leave. But what I didn't know was how much those people would change my life. How could I say goodbye to those people who embraced and accepted me for who I was from day 1, who christened me both with my nickname and my theme song, and who reinvented why I loved my job so much?

Today is the two month anniversary of A Doll's House closing and the day before American Night closes and that final day at the Willows is far behind me (though the people are still very close to my heart). I feel really lucky and honored to have been part of this crew and although I'm excited to move on to new projects, I will miss the routine of coming to that theatre, hanging out with those people, and running that show. This show has basically been my life since I got here. There were a couple weeks of downtime in the beginning but once this show went into tech, it was all consuming. It has (and will continue to) defined my experience at YSD. I made some really amazing friends, got to experience what it was like to work on a Rep show, and was part of this fast paced, witty, and often temperamental show. It wasn't easy getting to opening night by any means but once we hit our stride, it went fairly well. Not that there weren't plenty crisis-managing situations but those just added to the excitement.

So with this I say goodbye to a show that I will always hold close to my heart. Not necessarily for its content because, frankly, I detest politics. But for the connections I made with people and the thrill I got while completing these scene changes and being able to work with people I really admired. Janet, our stage carpenter, said that the first year students who are assigned to the run crew on a Rep show will forever have a bond due to the nature of the beast that is devoting yourself to a Rep show, and I believe that that's true. I believe that I will remember this show and the experiences I had working with these people for a very long time.

This was an excellent start at YSD for me and now comes a crazy week of projects and midterms, followed by stage managing a show at the Yale Cabaret, and then comes the real test: ASM for Sunday in the Park with George. That will be my true defining moment of the semester. Here's hoping that it goes well :)

Keep the Record

I keep in close contact with many of my former classmates and campers and as a result, every year I am watching people make a new beginning. Middle schoolers advancing to high school, high school seniors making their way to college. Nearly all of them pose the question to the world "What advice would you give me?"

I just began another adventure and if I had to give myself advice, this is what I would tell me.

Go to class. Absorb the material. Even if it is a boring subject and the reading is long and dense, find some way to be familiar with it. And not for some test or some essay you need to write. 10 years from now you won't remember the test but you will want to be familiar with those authors and subjects you studied. It would be a waste of time and money if you forgot everything you learned just because you crammed for a test or for class one day and promptly forgot it once you covered that subject. I've fallen victim to this too many times. You go to school to learn...make it about more than the test.

Make memories. Go to that dance, that party, that event, and meet people. You never know how things will turn out in 10 years. One of those could turn into the best "remember the night we became friends?" moments. Have those experiences because you can't replicate them or get them back. Integrate yourself into that community.

Capture the memories. Take pictures of everything and videotape even more. It's worth the 2 minute awkward "will you take a picture of me?" moment. When you've been part of something for long enough you tend to forget what it was like in the beginning. Having photos or video records of it reminds you of where you came from and gives you a chance to smile and reminisce months or years later. I am forever grateful that there is a picture of me with my best friend the night that we (unofficially) became friends. All because someone had the thought to capture the moment. Pull out that video camera when something happens. Some people may clam up and run far away but the moments that you do manage to capture become like a time capsule. I didn't start really taking video until I was a junior in college and I can't tell you how much those videos bring me right back to where I was at that time. I feel the same emotions watching the videos as I did when I was experience it first hand.

Write in a journal. I blogged on and off through some of high school and college but I didn't consistency record my thoughts until my internship. At the time it was part of my course requirement and when I went back and read through my posts, I realized how much I treasured them. It wasn't me going back and trying to fill in the gaps about what life was like when I first started working at the Willows; I had recorded memories about every high point, every anxious moment, everything I felt. It amazed me how much I grew as I became more acclimated to the theatre and also how much didn't change--I loved the Willows from day 1 and my love never wavered. Take the time to write down your own thoughts and memories. You will literally see yourself grow.

Above all, enjoy the time you spend somewhere. Nothing is permanent. Graduation, job promotions, closures, and new opportunities are all inevitable. Everyone says that "don't worry about grades, they won't matter after awhile" and it's extremely difficult to accept that when you're in school but it's true. Everything will work out the way that it's supposed to even if you get a poor grade in a class. If you make a mistake at work, move on from it. Your overall experience is going to shape your memory of it.

The end is not the goal. The journey is the goal.

Hitting my Stride

This weekend the first year stage managers celebrated their one month anniversary of arriving at YSD. It's hard to believe it has already been a month but we have survived and are thriving beautifully. All of us are on different projects right now and have different experiences to bring to the table which is nice. Although I haven't begun any official SM work (and am getting a bit anxious to begin), being on the run crew for American Night has been a fantastic introduction to the school.
Having the opportunity to see not only how a Rep show during tech is run but also seeing how the other SMs plus the Rep staff work together has been both informative and inspiring. I spend a lot of time simply absorbing information, observing their styles. Soon I will be the ASM on a production (different caliber but almost as large as this one) and this has given me the chance to see what I would like to add in to my repertoire of ASM knowledge.

I've also seen myself grow as a person in just this past month. It isn't entirely noticeable to the outside world but I've noticed that I'm already becoming more confident and am adapting different styles of communication. It has been a long time since I've been on the running crew for a show that I wasn't also ASMing and it's taught me a lot about what I appreciate about an SM (and also what I would like to change about myself). The knowledge I'm learning by being on a Rep crew will propel me forward into the new challenge I have to conquer and hopefully make me a stronger ASM. We still have two more weeks of this show and I'm glad for that.

I'm grateful for many things right now. I'm grateful for the really great new friends I've made. For the change in season. For the rain. The cleanliness of my apartment. The peaceful atmosphere outside, even when it's pouring rain. For upcoming experiences. A Christmas plane ticket home provided by my amazing parents. Becoming more familiar with the school and how it runs. For enjoyable classes. Being able to adapt to waking up early. For a lifestyle change that I'm making in two weeks. For the best friend in the world. And I'm even grateful for things I'm learning to leave behind.

Leaving California meant making a drastic change in my life, including leaving behind everything and everyone who was familiar. Those who are meant to be in my life are still there and those who maybe shouldn't be there are starting to fade away.

I'll never be the same California girl that I was. Just like when I went to college and knew I would never be a Catalina girl in the same way ever again, I am beginning to accept that I'm no longer the SM at St. Mary's and the Willows ASM. Those were my identities that I held on to so dearly that leaving them behind is a more difficult process than I had imagined it would be. But I've graduated from St. Mary's and the Willows no longer exists. There literally is no going back. And I'm beginning to be okay with that. Do I miss it? Yes. I will always miss it. It shaped who I am as a stage manager. There were people and experiences that can never be replaced. Now it's time to hold on to the good and let go of the bad. Sometimes moving away literally means moving on.

And Now We are in Previews!

American Night is officially halfway through previews! Our first run through was the night before our first preview after teching it for six days. When you cram six days worth of work into an hour and 45 minute show, suddenly everything seems very quick and crazy! But after the initial shock we fell into a pretty regular routine. I'm really enjoying getting to know people outside of my department (yay friends) as well as observing the SMs. It's important for me to observe other people's styles and see how they work in comparison to my own practices. Constantly trying to improve myself and I have some great examples backstage right now.

I'd say everything is going great here still. My only cause for anxiety is the fact that I'm still getting to know how everything operates. At St. Mary's, I was the only stage manager (for the most part). Everything was in one building including everyone I needed to talk to on a daily bassi and items I needed to complete tasks. If I needed something, like a table, or if I needed to get work done, like making copies, everything was just there for me. Of course it wasn't very much and we often did with very little but we made it work. At YSD, I'm still learning how people obtain what they need for rehearsals and performances and how much they have access to. I've completely admired how the props are stored and preserved between shows--in labeled storage bins, larger props covered with drop clothes, everything with a place. Multiple prop tables where you need them. It's fantastic for someone like me who loves everything to be neat and organized. But I never even thought to ask for anything more than what I was provided at SMC (basically..two prop tables and storage bins once I asked for them. And still not everything fit). Even the fact that everything is labeled or color coded backstage to make things easier reminds me how much time, effort, and resources are put into making everything run as seamlessly as possible. I love that. Issues are going to arise no matter what but at least you can try to prevent them as much as possible.

Classes are challenging but good. I enjoy that every other week I have two fewer classes so this week feels luxurious to me. I have a lot more work to do in comparison to last week though. Stage combat is definitely fun and we will even learn how to fly later in the semester! Who knew that one day I could actually get a close to being tinkerbell as I wanted? My instructor also said that if we are interested we could take the opportunity to shadow the stage manager for the revival of Annie on Broadway--and as soon as he said, my heart soared. I have a deep love for the show, Annie. It was the first musical that captured my heart and continues to be one of my very favorites. It was the first show I stage managed. And it never fails to make me smile. In addition to this, the stage manager has been the stage manager since the beginning I believe. I own a documentary made by a woman who was in one of the Broadway casts of Annie that interviews many of the "orphans" and people associated with the show to discuss what kind of experience it was to do a show like that. A few of the interviews were with the stage manager who is still the stage manager for the show. If I find a way to get to NY and shadow him for a bit, it would be an absolute dream come true.

Who knew that the little 8 year old who begged for the Annie movie would turn into the person I am today? Honestly I'm still in awe of how my life has turned out. Until last year, I never thought I would ever have the opportunity to even apply to an Ivy league school. I was purely average growing up. I had many interests but I never excelled at any of them. I discovered my love and talent for theater when I was 14 but when you work behind the scenes, people still have no idea who you are. I went through high school completely devoted to my art form but never garnering any attention for it. While my classmates would win awards and get recognized at assembly, I quietly did my job and loved every second of it. I didn't care all that much that people didn't know where my talents lay. Then I started college and a whole new world opened up. I found out just what my job meant and fell deeply in love with my new definition of stage management. And for the first time in my life, I had both the grades and the talent to push me to the next level. Before I knew it I wasn't even hesitating to apply to some of the top schools in the country because I knew I had a competitive GPA and skill. By some miracle I was accepted to Cal Arts, Columbia University, and Yale. Clearly I chose Yale and I'm never looking back.
It was worth the wait. All those years of watching my classmates shine and wondering when it would be my turn to show the world what I could do finally paid off. I'm in a school with some of the best artists in the country who have connections to virtually every other artist in the world. I am one of twelve incredible stage managers who make it their duty to keep all of these productions running smoothly and I'm proud to call myself a member. It's a really wonderful feeling knowing that I'm right where I belong.

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes you just need to be patient for the reason to come along.

Tech Week: Grad School Edition

I've been doing theatre since I was 14. I'm accustomed to late night rehearsals, no time off, and wondering what the true definition of a weekend was. I've spent virtually the past 4 years of my life doing nothing but theatre and classes. Last year I took on an internship which lead to a job at a professional theatre company all while being a full time student, working two other jobs, and stage managing at school and maintaining a 3.7 GPA. I didn't have time off or days off. I knew what busy was.
But there's one thing that graduate doesn't have that undergrad offered as a wonderful luxury: the ability to choose the time your classes begin. When you're in class from 9:00-2:00 and rehearsals go from 2:00 until 11:00, there goes your day. I've taken "getting homework done" to a whole new level. I'm accustomed to staying up late as I'm a natural night owl but waking up early is not something I enjoy. I used to spend many late nights up doing homework with no real worries about being awake enough for class the next day but this is a definite adjustment for me.

I'm in tech for American Night: The Ballad of Juan Jose at Yale Rep. I'm on the deck crew and it's bringing back blissful memories of being backstage at Catalina, which is basically the last place I was on run crew for a significant show. I've spent so much time stage managing in the past few years that it's a nice change to not actually be in charge of something. I'm working with a great group of people and the show is big and challenging and full of activity. It's long hours and it's tiring but it counts as my work study so to get paid to do something I actually love? It's the best situation I could imagine. I'm enjoying getting to know people who are in my department and outside of it. And I'm learning more about theatre every day. It's an excellent combination.

Classes continue to be fun and challenging. Completing the reading is, as always, my biggest challenge but I'm working through that. Overall I enjoy all of my classes. Stage combat has been a pleasant surprise. I was concerned that I wouldn't enjoy it but it was my favorite class last week. I'm already LOVING my stage management forum class where we are learning how to interpret musical scores in relation to stage management. Very fun.

I'm a Student?

Sometimes you get so caught up in the upcoming production assignments that you forget you are in graduate school to take classes as well!
Classes began on Thursday with Drama 6, which for you St. Mary's folks is like a combination of Foundations and Masterpieces. For those of you who did not major in theatre at SMC that means the course is both theatre history and play reading/discussion. A 9 am class will be very challenging, especially one of this nature, but I've really felt like I needed a stronger grounding in theatre history so I will definitely get that. It helps that we are split up into smaller discussion groups for discussion of the plays and I like my T.A. as well as my group. I think it will go well.
I have also had production planning which I thought was very interesting and reminded of Michael Cook's theatre philosophy, theatre safety (I LOVE. The class itself is a little dry but safety? Finally!), and stage management issues which is a great class that brings the whole department together as well as the faculty and allows us to discuss issues that have come up in YSD/YRT rehearsals+productions as well as those that happen in the professional world. It is going to be an excellent class for me. God knows I've had plenty of issues in my academic and professional life that I will have plenty to discuss in class.
I also have a Saturday class which is scenic design. All of you who knew me during my last semester at St.Mary's and watched me struggle hardcore with the class are probably wondering how I'm going to survive but they have actually made it quite manageable for stage managers which I appreciate.

Tomorrow is my day off and Monday brings more classes. Tech begins next week and I'm ridiculously excited. It's been awhile since I've been on a run crew that has this much responsibility. I was also thinking today that it's been a VERY long time since I've been backstage for a production that I either wasn't ASM or heavily involved in. I'm accustomed to already being very acquainted with the show and either being in charge or taking charge. In fact, I think the last time this occurred I was in high school. But it's a good opportunity for me to learn a show quickly and I really do love being backstage so I'm definitely looking forward to it.

Everyone has been very nice so far. I really like everyone in my department and I've actually made friends outside of the department as well. I'm being more social which is an improvement for me and although I'm still not a partier, I'm more willing to go out at night. I feel a lot more comfortable hanging out with people at YSD than I did anywhere else so that definitely helps.
My parents were wonderful and sent me a lovely care package today. It included food, quarters for laundry, a gift from my cousin, and spackle...to fix the ugly marks on my walls. Best parents.

Though in other news, my Aunt Jean is in the final days of her life. My dad flew out to Florida today and at this point, we're just waiting. First sad event being away from home. You learn to deal with it but it still isn't pleasant.

This is to say Thank You

Tonight's post is not about me but rather the people who have helped me get to where I am today. One of the most truthful quotes I have heard recently has been "I don't think anything is scarier than taking the first step that could define the rest of your life" and this is certainly true for me. Moving across the country was huge step in my life and without my support system, my transition could not have been this seamless.

First and foremost I have to thank my parents. They put me on a plane, planned out every detail of the move over here, bought my furniture, encouraged me, called me every day (until they knew I was really okay), and supported me in more ways than I could imagine. Moving away from everything that felt familiar to me was completely out of my comfort zone and I never thought I would have the strength to do it. But they helped me recognize that this was a step I could handle. And their support from the very beginning has been absolutely remarkable. Although I haven't chosen the most ideal career for concerned parents, they recognized early on that this was something I loved and something I was good at. They came to all of those shows, driving me to rehearsals during tech week, listening to my stories after opening nights, understood my frustrations, and even let me continue into college. They were there every time I called home to expel frustrations or shine over a well done opening night. They even understood my pricey decision to stay at St. Mary's when it was clear that finances were going to be tight because St. Mary's was the only place where I could get the training I needed. They let me take jobs in the theatre over the summers and shared my enthusiasm when I found my perfect internship last year. They found a way to get me to grad school interviews when I thought it was impossible to do two on opposite sides of the country within a 3 day period. They were there when I made the decision as to which school to attend. They understood the craziness of my final days at St. Mary's. And they were there when I finally crossed that stage with my first degree--a day we had collectively worked towards. Who knew that this little girl who could hardly stand upright on a stage and didn't hold an ounce of leadership could turn into the person i am today but with their patience and guiding, it worked out quite nicely. This is only the beginning of what is hopefully a very fruitful and definitely rewarding career but my parents are the best for letting me have it.

My extended family has also been wonderful. I often say that I have the best family in the world and I truly believe it. My biological family and my extended family beyond bloodlines are just some of the most good hearted, kind, fun, lovely people I've ever met. Family gatherings are the most special time of the year for me. And since I made the decision to move I felt unconditional support from my aunts, uncles, cousins, and everyone beyond. They came to all of those shows when I was younger, always asked the questions, always wanted to know what was coming up next. We are a large but close unit and I am so grateful for them. Thank you Tanner, Michael, Lisa, Steph, Alicia, Eli, Jonathan, Leah, Chris, Emily, Tom, Bailey, Alana, Cameron, Cary, Sam and the entire extended network of Jones family and friends. I'm awfully lucky. And I would do anything for them.

The Willows Theatre Company came into my life only a year ago but it has left a lasting
mark on my heart. One year ago, I stepped into the Willows Theatre in Concord for my first rehearsal of Chess. I didn't know what to expect; I only knew the director and managing director from a previous interview. I was nervous to be working in a professional atmosphere for the first time and to present my skills in front of a brand new set of artists. But from the first day I felt an all consuming sense of joy and belonging with this company. Eric and David told me in my interview that the Willows was like a family and I was skeptical, since it's a fairly common statement, but they weren't exaggerating. My love for them only grew in time and although my heart broke when it was announced that the company was closing, mere days before my final performance in August, I was comforted by the fact that our friendships existed well beyond those artistic walls. We were there for each other through good times and bad right up until the end and will continue to be there for each other. And we loved our jobs. I was welcomed into this amazing family and it's hard to really explain what it meant to me without this turning into a blog full of cliches. All I can say that I was one lucky girl to be able to go to work every day with some of my best friends. Thank you for accepting me for me, rather than what people expected me to be. And thank you for loving me. Thank you Eric, David, Sean, Danny, Nick, DJ, Reid, Jordan, Sara, Rachel, Bones, and Sophie. You will always have a special place in my heart.

I wouldn't be the stage manager I am today without my mentor, Linda. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life or even that theatre should be a larger part of my life until I started to train under her. She has gone above and beyond to make sure I understood my role in the theatre and my role in life. She was always confident of my abilities even when I wasn't sure if I could handle something. Having her in my life has been an incredible gift and one of main reasons I stayed at St. Mary's. She became not only my mentor but one of my very best friends. She trained me to be the best I can be and my job now is to build upon everything she taught me. She gave me an excellent foundation.

I have mentioned frequently how lucky I am. And I'm pretty sure I got the best deal when I ended up with my best friend, Danielle. With every adventure I undertake, she is there to lend support and some well needed feedback. I couldn't have accomplished half of what I have without her around. She was my trusty sidekick at St. Mary's, serving as my assistant stage manager and co-stage manager on our shows together and we worked effortlessly as a team. Working with someone who knows you that well and understands both you and the needs of the job is a huge blessing. I would have taken her to Yale with me if I could. But beyond that, she is an incredible friend. Even from 3,000 miles away our friendship remains the same. We still talk about the same stuff, still talk just as frequently. She is there to listen to all of my worries and to reassure me that yes, I will make friends and no, I won't fail. I hope everyone is as lucky I am when it comes to friends.



All of this comes down to that I would not be the person I am today or where I am today without this amazing circle of people. And there are countless others that I love dearly who support me from near and far. I am so proud to have these people in my life and cannot express enough thanks for what everyone has done for me. To everyone who has worked with me, gone to school with me, been my friend, or given me a smile or a hug, thank you. You have all touched my life in ways I cannot describe. Being here at Yale is a daily reminder of how far I have come and how lucky I am to have encountered such wonderful people along the way.

A Lovely Place to Live

I truly love where I live. I have dreamed for years about having my own place that I can decorate and clean and organize (what can I say, I'm a stage manager). And this teeny tiny little apartment couldn't be more perfect. I even love it through all of its faults. Sure there's some cracked tile in the bathroom, paint flecks on the floor from the last paint job, overhead lighting that could make a super model look like an ogre, and a shower that tries to be mighty but usually fails but I love it through all of that. It's great that everything is within 20 steps of each other. My bathroom directly leads into my closet and my dressing table stands right outside the door. The kitchen can hardly hold anything but it's just the right size for my meager necessities. Every corner is filled with something though the room never feels crowded. I sit at my desk to do work (which is new--I haven't used my desk for work in years but sitting near the window inspires me) and I also have a lovely reading corner, complete with ottoman and a side table shaped like a movie reel topped off with my "stage manager's make it happen wand" grad school edition, courtesy of Linda. My windowsill is the perfect spot to sit and read as well, especially when I need to cool off and don't feel like running the fan. My walls and bookshelf are covered with memories of those I love and miss most in the world. Everywhere I turn there is either a meaningful quote, a picture, or a memory from home. And everything has a place. We have managed to fit so much elegant storage in this little room that nothing feels cluttered or out of place. It inspires me to clean, which I do frequently. Having both a hard wood floor to mop and a carpet to vacuum is considered joyous, though I'm still figuring that one out. I'm even enjoying the neighborhood. I've never lived downtown before and the sounds and character of living here is very interesting and educational. Sometimes you learn more walking down the street than you do sitting with your classmates. The houses and buildings here are just so unlike any I'd live near in California and I adore them. I've always had a thing for beautiful houses and although most of these could use some TLC, they still have their original character. They manage to have a hint of elegance amongst their deteriorating exterior. Overall this is the best living situation I've ever experienced and I look forward to this being my safe haven when life gets busier and inevitably more overwhelming and over stimulating. For now I'm just enjoying the peace.

It's September!

Orientation has officially begun and if it's possible, I'm even more excited for classes and production work to begin. Please remind me of this in about two weeks when I may not be quite as thrilled. But orientation has been wonderful so far. I've met people, both inside my department and outside. Our first event was really fun, though I was nervous to meet people (we were meeting in small groups before heading to the graduate school bar). Prior to coming to Yale, I talked for a long time with my best friend about how I would present myself. Going to a new place means you can tweak parts of your character that you may not exactly love but I didn't change anything about myself...I've changed enough in the past four years that being put in social situations is actually not as bad as it used to be. I'm much more confident and fun (well..ish...I can hold a conversation) and generally more mature person than I used to be. So I had no problem in the small groups. They had two actors, a sound designer, a set designer, a dramaturg, a theatre manager, a technical design and production person, and me. It was a really good group and the leader was one of the 2nd year SMs that I met on Monday. And then we went to the graduate school bar/club. Got carded for the first time since I've never been to a bar. And met some more people, got to talk to the other SMs in my class. It was actually fun! And realllllly loud. Overall that first night taught me that I have matured in ways that I hadn't even noticed. And that I will also probably always be the little one running around with ribbons and flowers in her hair.Some things just never change. And I'm really okay with that. The two full orientation days so far have been very informative rather than overwhelming. Answered a lot of my questions. Met some more people. I really do love the people here--they manage to make everything fun, challenging, engaging, and informative. Only at a theatre school can an informational video be one of the best things you see all day. The boys are cute. and charming. and i can already tell that they are sneaky. end of story. but i like them. I'm also now re-certified in CPR and AED training as well. This is my final weekend off so I'm spending it preparing for the weeks ahead. I went shopping with my little grocery cart today and despite some nasty bruises (note to self: careful when going over the bumps. Or you will run into your cart) and ridiculous humidity, my kitchen is now stocked and I made a real dinner for the first time. I also plan on exploring a bit of the Yale campus since I've really only seen the 4 block radius around the drama school, which includes some magnificent buildings but I would love to see the rest. My first production (run crew) goes into tech in a couple weeks. I've only been away from the theatre for a little under 3 weeks (really? Has it only been that long since I left the Willows?) but I'm already aching to get back into that rhythm. But for now I'm going to enjoy this peaceful alone time because pretty soon it won't exist!

Very Lucky

Today was the best day I've had yet here in New Haven. My boxes from home finally arrived so after the strenuous task of hauling them upstairs (that was attractive. I'm awfully glad I live alone because it was not a pretty sight once I'd finished! 50 pound boxes, second floor, humid...oh if only there were pictures of it), I was able to begin sorting through it. It was really great to see what personal items I had packed since I had practically forgotten already! I ceased unpacking for awhile to go down to the stage management office and say hello to the head of stage management. It was so nice to be back--it was just like I had remembered from my interview. Everyone was friendly and down to earth and it was a lovely reminder of why I chose this school. From the moment I walked down the street in New Haven the first time, I knew this was where I was meant to be. And I'm entirely grateful and happy to be here. Now that my apartment is completely organized and memories literally lining every wall, I am feeling so overwhelmingly blessed. I have never received so much support from friends and family and I thank every one of you from the bottom of my heart. Every comment, like, text, email, message, and phone call makes my heart sing because this is the biggest decision I've ever made and you never know how it will turn out. However I no longer feel "away" from home. This has become my new home and it is really starting to feel like mine (it helps that I can't look anywhere without seeing a picture of someone from home or a gift from someone on display). It began to rain today on my way home and as soon as I got in the door, I headed for the window (my favorite place to sit), pulled out the ipad, and just sat on the windowsill listening to the rain fall with the window open while I watched How I Met Your Mother (I just love that show) and for the first time I felt completely comfortable and relaxed in my space. The rest of the week brings an SM gathering (I've invited the other SMs in my class over to my apartment as I would really love to meet them) and then orientation on Thursday. I absolutely cannot wait. One song really comes to mind right now and my favorite passage is hanging in my kitchen. "I see skies of blue and clouds of white. The bright blessed days and the dark sacred nights. And I think to myself, what a wonderful world"

On My Own

"On my own, pretending he's beside me"...well not quite. Not reenacting Eponine's lovely song from Les Miserables but I am all on my own in Connecticut. It's a very weird feeling to know that I'm 3,000 miles from home. My apartment is officially furnished and absolutely gorgeous--once my personal items arrive and it's completely done I will post photos but it looks great already. Though it is very hot, as expected. Outside it's actually a very lovely temperature but my room rapidly absorbs heat so it never really cools down to an acceptable temperature. I have two fans that I try not to use too much to save on electricity but sometimes it's necessary! The big accomplishment of today was finding the nearest grocery store. I lucked out in that the grocery store closest to me is only a 5-8 minute walk and is essentially the east coast version of a Safeway. I was so concerned that I wouldn't be able to get the basic essentials very easily and now I know that it is much easier than expected--and I even have a little rolling shopping cart to transport my groceries home. But being on my own without a car and without knowing anybody yet is a disconcerting feeling. I'm looking forward to feeling more comfortable with my surroundings and finally meeting people because it can get awfully lonely and scary when you feel like you're all alone. And it finally hit me today that there really is no turning back. That decision I made 4 years ago to pursue theatre as my career and my determination to go to graduate school (not just any graduate school--it had to feel right to me) is one that I am finally able to live out. But I'm trying not to get ahead of myself yet because I will forget to enjoy these first moments of living in Connecticut if I get caught up in the "what will I do when..." moments. Because even though future rent payments, student loan payments, getting substantial jobs, and eventual moving are important, they are not what's important right now. The time will come when it's time to concern myself with those issues. But I have prepared myself both academically, mentally, and financially for this exact moment. This is what it has all come to. Living on my own, figuring it out for myself, making the best decisions, even though that there doesn't always have to be a Plan B at all times. It's okay to just let things happen--as hard as that is for me to accept!

What an Adventure

After what seems like the longest day in history, I am finally in Connecticut. We are staying in a hotel tonight--apartment keys tomorrow! Unfortunately my day began at 2:30 am (which as most of you know is my regular bedtime) so I got approximately one hour of sleep before the alarm was buzzing. Driving up to SFO was uneventful...it's just very dark at that time of morning...but that was all fine and good. The plane ride itself was fine, minus my exhaustion and hunger levels. It felt very long but I guess anything over 3 hours feels long to me and this one was closer to 6. However the real adventure began once we had to drive from JFK to New Haven. Our GPS was...how do I put this nicely...it was special. And apparently wanted to give us a tour of the city because it ended up taking us on a nice, long, crowded, stressful, unnecessary tour of NYC and we ended up right where we started. It makes for an excellent story but at the time, it was not all that humorous. But we finally arrived at the hotel. Had dinner. And now it is 11:00 pm EST meaning 8:00 pm at home. It feels very weird being so far away from everyone and everything that is my home and my life. Part of me wants to run back to Concord and embrace that life again but sadly, even if I were to go back, that life no longer exists. And besides, no one ever got anywhere by staying in one place. And once I overcome the fear of living so far away (without a car. That might be my biggest issue), this will feel like home as well.

Episode 2: Packing

I completely admire every person who has ever had to move to another state because it is a daunting, time consuming, and exhausting process. Deciding what is worthy or important enough to travel with you is a whole task in itself. For example, something like my clock radio ipod dock was brought for convenience sake. The porcelain doll, carefully encased in bubble wrap and placed between a pile of blankets, was brought purely for sentimentality. As it was a parting gift from my unfortunately dismantled theatre company, I couldn't bear to leave it behind. But decisions were made. Compromise is necessary in life. I also have more photos than I can count. Gone are the days of taping every photo I could find to my walls. In the grown up world you need to frame pictures. Which takes up much more space. And requires decision making. Who do you really want to look at every day? Answer: everybody. So that process took quite awhile. It felt a little bit like the old days of Myspace where your top friends list determined everything about your social life and you spent time meticulously sculpting the list so that it reflected how you truly felt. No hard feelings to anyone whose photo is not in a frame--I have a lovely scrapbook with the rest, courtesy of Danielle. But the boxes are taped and the suitcases are ready to be stuffed and I am slowly beginning to freak out about changing my entire life to move across the country. However I find it impossible to be sad when you receive a landslide of text messages telling you that you will do great (I seriously had the best co-workers in the world. I'm pretty sure if you cut me open, half of my heart would be stamped with the Willows logo). Life is in transition. But it's a good thing.

The Road to Yale. Also known as...how on earth do you move across the country?

In a little over one week I will be headed off to the east coast and moving away from everything that makes sense to me. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "leaving on a jet plane". But I am nothing if not determined so here I am, stepping out of my comfort zone and preparing to move 3,000 miles away from my hometown and those places that are like home to me. I don't think it will be easy. And how do I know this? Well let's think. Number 1: I won't have a car. I love my car. I cannot live without my car. That is how I make sure everything works in my life. So we're going to find out how I fare with just public transportation. Number 2: I don't have any family or friends (yet) who live anywhere near me. Sure I know people in surrounding states but the grand total of people I know in New Haven is set at a definite zero. My support system lives in California. Good thing technology was invented. Number 3: What's weather? No really. California does not know what weather is. Connecticut does. I'm in for some major culture shock. My hair+humidity...let's just say photos will not be taken of me. And those are just a few.. So it won't be easy. But since when is anything worthwhile easy? The point is I am beyond excited to be going to Yale and since that means making some major changes to my life, I will be embracing those as well. I invite you to sit back and enjoy the ride because this is surely going to be an adventure.