Curtain Call Life

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xU2-a97iqzE&feature=relmfu
"Newsies Opening Night Curtain Call"



This video is an accurate representation of why I do what I do.

Theatre is as much about planning ahead as it is living in the moment. You spend weeks, months, even years planning out everything from what the set looks like down the side from which every actor will enter. But when it comes down to it, it's all about doing what you love in the moment. You take the energy from yourselves, the company, and the audience and you make something brilliant happen onstage. And at the end you get to stand before them and thank them for making your experience as a theatre artist worth it. They come to see you perform your life's work and as much as they thank you for your talent, you are thanking them for loving your work enough to come out, sit in those seats for 2 hours, and be present in the moment with you.
And that's my favorite moment. Presenting our work to people who truly value and appreciate what we do for a living enough to be there with us. I can't compare the feeling I get watching my cast take their bows very night. You work so hard on something and you can just hope and pray that the audience will see what you did every night in rehearsal. And when they do...you become the proudest person in the world.

“Let your heart guide you...it whispers so listen closely.” ― Walt Disney

Theatre is an unpredictable life. You follow the work. And your life is the work. There is virtually no distinction between your professional and your personal life. You pour your heart and soul into it, get ripped to shreds, endure some painful moments and trying times for those few moments of absolute bliss. And that's what you live for. Those moments? They're worth it. They are why you give up your social life, your relationships, your family...all of that is put off until the moment when theatre tells you it's okay to let go.

Part of me loves the excitement, the thrill, the endless possibility. I am giddy with excitement when companies post their next season of shows, questioning whether I could possible fit a show into my already busy schedule. I love beginning a new project. I love the moments of chaos when I feel completely in control at the exact same time. I love the rush of opening night. I love standing ovations. I love that my work could take me anywhere, that my future is limitless at this point. That's the joy of being a 20-something--you have so much to learn, so much potential to fulfill, so many opportunities to seize

And then the rational side of me fears for my future. I've already settled into some pretty solid habits and routines. I'm only 22 and I've already developed a crazy work schedule, aversion to social life, and some god awful eating and sleeping habits. Yet I justify them because I am "successful". Healthy right? But I'm also fiercely devoted to my family and friends. My number one priority to be able to be there for them when they need a laugh, a hug, or an encouraging word. And as we grow older, special moments will come up more frequently. No longer will we just need to hang out and talk, we will be planning weddings, lifestyles, and families. And I want to be there for all of that with them. Part of me wishes I could see the future so I could put all of these monumental events on my permanent conflicts calendar, knowing I can't be doing a show at that time so that I can fulfill my other duties--nothing is greater than the gift of being a friend.

I often say that theatre and life do not get along. And what I mean by this is that life happens whether we plan for it or not. People die, people get sick, people have crises...that's all part of life. Theatre schedules are not very accommodating of this. Regardless of what personal crisis you are dealing with, you must still show up to your 6:00 call ready to go whether you want to or not. It's not like a regular job where you can take a week off and someone will cover for you. You play a significant role, no matter how big or small you think your part may be.

It's ironic that I say theatre and life don't get along because theatre is life. Theatre reflects our deepest desires and our most painful thoughts. It constantly throws all of that emotion, angst, and joy around to hopefully inflect some sort of reaction. That pain we're feeling? You can find it in a Broadway show

And then I think back on the moments when I was happiest. On those unpredictable moments when everything in the world just came together.

And I remember why I do what I do.

Love

You know you love your job when you run around like a chicken with your head cut off for most of the afternoon to secure an element for that evening, rehearse until 1:00 am, walk home in the rain at 2:00 am, and are still awake an hour later sending emails and making lists for the next day...and you are completely exhilarated and in love with the work. I feel more at home than I have felt in a long time.

Adventures Begin

It has been officially over two months since I have stage managed anything (longer if you count being an SM over an ASM...even longer if you discount my summer stage experience though that actually challenged me as an SM more than most shows have. You try wrangling 30 kids, double casting, multiple absences, bee stings, and acting as a stand-in production manager at the same time. I could go on but that would be a separate post in itself)

But that statement is no longer true as tonight Cowboy Mouth at the Yale Cabaret is in technical rehearsals. This cast is brilliant, the design team is amazing, the directors and producer are wonderful...I got really lucky. It's an eclectic, organic show and it's a little incredible how much they were able to do with only one week of real rehearsals. I'm awfully proud of them already.

It's also been a good way to ease myself back into stage management. I wouldn't exactly say that I'm rusty as so much of my job is innate but it does take practice getting back into regular habits and refamiliarizing myself with what I do with a show. Little easier knowing that all eyes aren't necessarily on me either so that when I'm doing this "for real" on Sunday in the Park with George as an ASM and later for Romeo and Juliet as an SM, my habits are already built back into my system.

These people are amazing. I'm reminded on a daily basis that I get to go to school with some of the most talented, creative, ambitious people in the theatre world today and who will continue to be that vivacious once they leave YSD. It's a little awe inspiring. And definitely something worth counting my blessings for.

Whatever you believe with feeling becomes your reality

Most people know that when I am asked to describe myself, I will use the word "sensitive", both in a complimentary and degrading sense. On the surface this just means that I am sensitive on the emotional level. Which is true but that is only one facet of what this definition means to me and what it means to me as a stage manager.

I'm classified as a "Highly Sensitive Person" which is not a random string of words I've thrown together but an actual trait. To put it simply, my nervous system decides to work overboard when taking in information. It does not mean that I break down when something bad happens or cry at the drop of a hat; it just means I experience things at a different level.

It means I'm hyper aware of anything going on in a room. That loud or sudden noises bother me more than they would the average person. That things have to feel right or I don't feel comfortable. That I try to placate everything and make things better. That I'm overstimulated in large crowded environments and much prefer one-on-one conversation. That I notice things other people would cast off as trivial information. That I have empathy for people on a whole different level.

At times it's frustrating because it takes me longer to feel comfortable in a situation and I will often come across as uptight or a buzzkill when I choose to go home at the end of a night instead of going out with my friends. I will sometimes overthink a situation that I know will be unfamiliar and build up my anxiety even more. My day can turn sour very fast if I am startled by something more than once.

But it also means I relate to people in a special way. I carefully plan "adventures" with people so that everyone will feel most comfortable and enjoyable. I truly enjoy sitting down and getting to know someone. I will go out of my way to ask if someone is okay because I've noticed they look uncommonly sad, stressed, or busy.

So what does this mean to me as a stage manager? It has its negative and its positive side. The negative side includes having trouble staying focused during long rehearsals because I crave a few minutes respite. That I'm very hard on myself if something isn't perfect. That I spend too much time wondering how others are perceiving me because critical observation of everything is how I absorb the world. That I have to brace myself if we have loud, startling, or sudden lighting and sound effects in a show. That I have to trust my abilities more when entering a new rehearsal because I'm already feeling anxious and uncomfortable.

But there are positives. I form a special bond with actors if they are having a hard day. I do well in situations when I have to act instantly rather than thinking about it ahead of time so there is literally no time to worry. I take special care to make sure everything is organized and ready and that my thoughts are organized as well so that I can express myself clearly. That I take extra efforts to make sure my stage manager or ASM feels supported and that I am there if they need anything. That I am very perceptive and sometimes get a "feeling" about something and know that it's right.

Overall it doesn't necessarily impede my stage management or my life. It just means I have to spend extra time figuring out how best to handle a situation without letting it affect my production or something important in my life. There's no easy solution to it but it does constantly challenge me. Which is good because I enjoy a challenge.

And if you're really curious as to what this really means, here's an excellent article describing what it means to be a Highly Sensitive Person
http://www.mothering.com/community/a/parenting-a-sensitive-child

New Projects and Nostalgia

I am officially full immersed in the world that is Cabaret 5-Cowboy Mouth. I've never done a project quite like this before and I love everyone that I am working with. This is a really great design team, directors, and actors. We go into tech on Sunday and open on Thursday.

Because I am officially immersed, it also means I survived midterms! Two projects and a drama history midterm later, I can say that I am fully relieved that everything went as well as could be expected. There were some late nights and some stressful nights but I'm so glad that they are behind me. The next challenge will be handling finals during tech in December but that's far enough away that it's not even worse thinking about right now.

Recently I have been amazed at how much music can pull you back to a specific place or time. It's something I've always known about myself so it didn't really come as a surprise but it's incredible the power (good and bad) that certain music will have.
Whenever the musical Chess or Seussical come on my itunes, I am instantly drawn back to that place in my life. Those shows bring me back to a time that is forever ingrained as one of the happiest times I've ever experienced. Everything felt new, fresh, and exhilarating. I was working with some truly amazing people. And I was loving my job.

Chess was new. Chess brought me new friends, new experiences, new stage management challenges. New school challenges. Taught me to balance my schedule, how to drive during rush hour traffic, how to grab dinner in the half hour between classes and leaving for rehearsal, how to step out of my comfort zone and step up my game. How to integrate myself into something new. How to fall in love with my job again.

Seussical was a two week crash course in "let's put on a show!". 20 kids. A director, an assistant director, a costumer, a sound designer, and myself. 3 hours of after school rehearsal. A set that had to work around another set (literally covering theirs with a backdrop and enlisting their crew to move some things around that we were front of the drop). And complete enthusiasm for what we were doing. I was amazed by how quickly these kids absorbed the material and their blocking--proof that kids will rise to the challenge if you give them the chance. We had a hurried tech process and early morning (read: we had to be there by 9:00 for the kids 10:00 call) performances. And I was so proud of the kids and the production that was pulled together. Anyone who knows me knows that I will cry during curtain call, without fail, on opening night but this was even more than the typical "we did it!" feeling.

The powerful nostalgia associated with those shows is twofold. While I enjoy the joyful feelings that came whenever I hear those songs, they are usually accompanied by a profound sense of longing. It is unfortunate that memories of something so wonderful also bring sadness simply because they cannot be replicated. It's a natural part of theatre. Shows will always come to a close and you must move on. And some will capture your heart in special ways, while others you want to run from. It's a learning curve and one that I'm still learning to master. But I will still smile every time I hear those songs because the good memories will always mean more than the wistful feeling of "remember when". I can't go back but I can move forward knowing that those experiences will be a special part of my theatre history.

And On to New Adventures

That was certainly one of the best closing nights I've experienced. Before the show, we gathered for a crew photo which involved each of us posing with our favorite prop, costume, or set piece which really ingrained in my mind how much we bond with the individual parts of a show. The guns for Kate, the wig for Molly, the swing for me. Although the show will be distant memory as we charge forward into our next projects, we will always think of those props as "ours", though we never went on stage with them.
It was really special at the close of the show as the crew scrunched into one small corner backstage left (because really, there was no room back there) to watch the monitors as the cast completed the final dance number. We said goodbye to the show in our own way but we were together.

I will miss pre show, eagerly waiting backstage to start the show. Headset roll call that always promised a witty statement by someone. The anxious energy waiting for a cue light to go off. Moving the Lydia platform which was extremely squeakly and always happened to be moved while they were in a particularly quiet moment onstage. Scrolling the Fanta machine--that was my special prop and it was a pain most of the time but it was mine. The hurried change into Lewis and Clark involving moving the platform quickly and lining it up perfectly, while a ladder was flown in and had to fit through a window at an angle. Still not sure how that one worked every night. The thrill (stage management nerd in me) of opening and closing the doors perfectly. My camera hand off onstage which I initially hated and then came to enjoy. Watching them fly in Lydia every night. And of course, just the general bonding with this crew. All of them became very special to me and I am infinitely glad that I am either in classes with them or they're in my department and really can't get rid of me until graduation.

Last night I got home at 10:30 (quickest strike ever. So glad I don't have to participate in the full strike), after resisting the urge to join the rest of the company for an enjoyable evening and proceeded to stay up until 4:30 am to finish a project so that my life this week won't be entirely awful. I have a huge drama history midterm on Thursday and history is definitely a weak subject of mine so I decided that finishing my project for another class (due to the day before my midterm. I was not smart in scheduling that) would make my week easier. I still have another project to be completed with a group plus rehearsals for the Cabaret and budget meetings for Sunday in the Park with George but getting this project out of the way will allow me to focus on the other tasks.

Speaking of Sunday--I am so excited to be part of Sunday in the Park with George. My stage manager is wonderful and this production sounds like it is exactly what I need to begin my SM journey here at Yale. Even being part of the budget meetings is exciting so far. Though it will be challenge, I'm up for it and I can't wait to see where this project takes us!

And So It Goes

The time has come for yet another show to close. I've done this enough in my life that I've developed a sort of ritual when this happens. Every show I've done has meant something to me and this is no exception. Traditionally I say goodbye to a show the night before it closes because that's when I feel most connected to the experience itself and allow myself to remember what I love about it before I have to truly let it go.

The last show I closed, to be perfectly honest, was less than ideal. My final show happened to be the final show of the company as well, though the actors didn't know it at the time. Between preparing to leave some of the best friends I've ever had, preparing to move across the country, and knowing that my theatre company wouldn't be there when I got back was pretty overwhelming for someone like me. Closing that show meant closing a chapter in my life and I wasn't entirely sure I was ready to do that. I'd been preparing myself for that event for months. I knew when I started my internship and then my job that eventually I would leave. But what I didn't know was how much those people would change my life. How could I say goodbye to those people who embraced and accepted me for who I was from day 1, who christened me both with my nickname and my theme song, and who reinvented why I loved my job so much?

Today is the two month anniversary of A Doll's House closing and the day before American Night closes and that final day at the Willows is far behind me (though the people are still very close to my heart). I feel really lucky and honored to have been part of this crew and although I'm excited to move on to new projects, I will miss the routine of coming to that theatre, hanging out with those people, and running that show. This show has basically been my life since I got here. There were a couple weeks of downtime in the beginning but once this show went into tech, it was all consuming. It has (and will continue to) defined my experience at YSD. I made some really amazing friends, got to experience what it was like to work on a Rep show, and was part of this fast paced, witty, and often temperamental show. It wasn't easy getting to opening night by any means but once we hit our stride, it went fairly well. Not that there weren't plenty crisis-managing situations but those just added to the excitement.

So with this I say goodbye to a show that I will always hold close to my heart. Not necessarily for its content because, frankly, I detest politics. But for the connections I made with people and the thrill I got while completing these scene changes and being able to work with people I really admired. Janet, our stage carpenter, said that the first year students who are assigned to the run crew on a Rep show will forever have a bond due to the nature of the beast that is devoting yourself to a Rep show, and I believe that that's true. I believe that I will remember this show and the experiences I had working with these people for a very long time.

This was an excellent start at YSD for me and now comes a crazy week of projects and midterms, followed by stage managing a show at the Yale Cabaret, and then comes the real test: ASM for Sunday in the Park with George. That will be my true defining moment of the semester. Here's hoping that it goes well :)

Keep the Record

I keep in close contact with many of my former classmates and campers and as a result, every year I am watching people make a new beginning. Middle schoolers advancing to high school, high school seniors making their way to college. Nearly all of them pose the question to the world "What advice would you give me?"

I just began another adventure and if I had to give myself advice, this is what I would tell me.

Go to class. Absorb the material. Even if it is a boring subject and the reading is long and dense, find some way to be familiar with it. And not for some test or some essay you need to write. 10 years from now you won't remember the test but you will want to be familiar with those authors and subjects you studied. It would be a waste of time and money if you forgot everything you learned just because you crammed for a test or for class one day and promptly forgot it once you covered that subject. I've fallen victim to this too many times. You go to school to learn...make it about more than the test.

Make memories. Go to that dance, that party, that event, and meet people. You never know how things will turn out in 10 years. One of those could turn into the best "remember the night we became friends?" moments. Have those experiences because you can't replicate them or get them back. Integrate yourself into that community.

Capture the memories. Take pictures of everything and videotape even more. It's worth the 2 minute awkward "will you take a picture of me?" moment. When you've been part of something for long enough you tend to forget what it was like in the beginning. Having photos or video records of it reminds you of where you came from and gives you a chance to smile and reminisce months or years later. I am forever grateful that there is a picture of me with my best friend the night that we (unofficially) became friends. All because someone had the thought to capture the moment. Pull out that video camera when something happens. Some people may clam up and run far away but the moments that you do manage to capture become like a time capsule. I didn't start really taking video until I was a junior in college and I can't tell you how much those videos bring me right back to where I was at that time. I feel the same emotions watching the videos as I did when I was experience it first hand.

Write in a journal. I blogged on and off through some of high school and college but I didn't consistency record my thoughts until my internship. At the time it was part of my course requirement and when I went back and read through my posts, I realized how much I treasured them. It wasn't me going back and trying to fill in the gaps about what life was like when I first started working at the Willows; I had recorded memories about every high point, every anxious moment, everything I felt. It amazed me how much I grew as I became more acclimated to the theatre and also how much didn't change--I loved the Willows from day 1 and my love never wavered. Take the time to write down your own thoughts and memories. You will literally see yourself grow.

Above all, enjoy the time you spend somewhere. Nothing is permanent. Graduation, job promotions, closures, and new opportunities are all inevitable. Everyone says that "don't worry about grades, they won't matter after awhile" and it's extremely difficult to accept that when you're in school but it's true. Everything will work out the way that it's supposed to even if you get a poor grade in a class. If you make a mistake at work, move on from it. Your overall experience is going to shape your memory of it.

The end is not the goal. The journey is the goal.

Hitting my Stride

This weekend the first year stage managers celebrated their one month anniversary of arriving at YSD. It's hard to believe it has already been a month but we have survived and are thriving beautifully. All of us are on different projects right now and have different experiences to bring to the table which is nice. Although I haven't begun any official SM work (and am getting a bit anxious to begin), being on the run crew for American Night has been a fantastic introduction to the school.
Having the opportunity to see not only how a Rep show during tech is run but also seeing how the other SMs plus the Rep staff work together has been both informative and inspiring. I spend a lot of time simply absorbing information, observing their styles. Soon I will be the ASM on a production (different caliber but almost as large as this one) and this has given me the chance to see what I would like to add in to my repertoire of ASM knowledge.

I've also seen myself grow as a person in just this past month. It isn't entirely noticeable to the outside world but I've noticed that I'm already becoming more confident and am adapting different styles of communication. It has been a long time since I've been on the running crew for a show that I wasn't also ASMing and it's taught me a lot about what I appreciate about an SM (and also what I would like to change about myself). The knowledge I'm learning by being on a Rep crew will propel me forward into the new challenge I have to conquer and hopefully make me a stronger ASM. We still have two more weeks of this show and I'm glad for that.

I'm grateful for many things right now. I'm grateful for the really great new friends I've made. For the change in season. For the rain. The cleanliness of my apartment. The peaceful atmosphere outside, even when it's pouring rain. For upcoming experiences. A Christmas plane ticket home provided by my amazing parents. Becoming more familiar with the school and how it runs. For enjoyable classes. Being able to adapt to waking up early. For a lifestyle change that I'm making in two weeks. For the best friend in the world. And I'm even grateful for things I'm learning to leave behind.

Leaving California meant making a drastic change in my life, including leaving behind everything and everyone who was familiar. Those who are meant to be in my life are still there and those who maybe shouldn't be there are starting to fade away.

I'll never be the same California girl that I was. Just like when I went to college and knew I would never be a Catalina girl in the same way ever again, I am beginning to accept that I'm no longer the SM at St. Mary's and the Willows ASM. Those were my identities that I held on to so dearly that leaving them behind is a more difficult process than I had imagined it would be. But I've graduated from St. Mary's and the Willows no longer exists. There literally is no going back. And I'm beginning to be okay with that. Do I miss it? Yes. I will always miss it. It shaped who I am as a stage manager. There were people and experiences that can never be replaced. Now it's time to hold on to the good and let go of the bad. Sometimes moving away literally means moving on.